I’ve always wanted to be perfect: the best I can possibly be, an aspiration many
have. However, it wasn’t until more recently that I’ve discovered perfection is an
ideology, an unattainable concept that can lead to the realisation that we are
anything but perfect and actually that’s okay.
When I look back on my time as an NQT I realise I was seeking approval
constantly, much to the dismay of my colleagues. I questioned everything:
Should I? Shouldn’t I? What about this? Or that? Would it be better if? Even
worse, once I made a decision I then doubted it and more often than not ended
up back where I started. I found myself caught up in a vicious cycle. I was
exhausted, fell short of my expectations and ended up questioning my very ability
This was not the first time I found myself experiencing these thoughts and feeling
s. I was in a similar position when starting my PGCE. Again I found myself nearly
giving up on my ambition because I was too afraid to fail. It is only now that I am
beginning to see this journey has always been part and parcel of starting
Whilst the kind words from colleagues, friends and children still provide me with
the reassurance I need, they only do so for a short time before I need my next fix.
Ultimately, this belief has to come from within, and it is…slowly.
After months of ‘having a word with myself’ and settling into my role as a teacher,
I still have these doubts! However, they are fleeting. I’m not saying my inner critic
is not present. Sometimes that voice screams and shouts louder than ever. But I
am learning how to bat it back, quieten it and dare I say, even silence it when
needed. For now I’ve realised that one day the women I work alongside and
aspire to be like could be me. More importantly I want it to be me. One day.